Ep 1 | Kevin MYERS Part 1 Transcript

Voices of a Killer Podcast: 

Ep 1 | Kevin Myers Part 1 Transcript

Before we begin this podcast, please be advised that the following episode contains language that some listeners may find offensive and inappropriate. The opinions expressed by the host and guests are their own and do not reflect the views of the podcast producers. Listener discretion is advised.

How did that make you feel about shooting somebody that you've known all your life? I was getting sick from, uh, not having, uh, opiates in my system. I was getting really sick. It feels like, it feels like the flu times a hundred. Robbed one of my neighbors. It was a neighbor I've known my whole life went terribly wrong.

I've only had two dreams about this event. After you've done a decade flat in prison at that point, it's kind of hard to cry. When, when I came to prison, stories about getting r**** and it was declared they're getting ready to declare War, this dude just looked like he wasn't gonna be fun fighting. You are now listening to the podcast Voices of a Killer.

I'm bringing you the stories from the perspective of the people that have taken the life of another human and their current situation thereafter in prison. You will see that although these are the folks that we have been programmed to hate, they all have something in common. They are all humans like us that admit that they made a mistake, will you forgive them or will you condemn them?

They're currently serving time for their murders and they give us an inside glimpse of what took place when they killed and their feelings on the matter now. Here are the voices of those who have killed.

Welcome to Voices of a Killer, the podcast that delves deep into the minds of those who have taken a life. With this being the first episode, I wanted to provide a brief overview of what to expect as a listener. Each episode, I will sit down with a convicted murderer, currently serving time to hear their story from their own perspective.

These interviews are raw, unfiltered, and at times disturbing. Throughout the podcast, we'll explore the circumstances that led to the murders, the emotions and thoughts that were running through the killer's mind at the time, and what life has been like for them since they were incarcerated. Our guests will be sharing their deepest regrets, their darkest moments, and the lessons they've learned along the way.

We want to provide a platform for these individuals to tell their story, to give them a voice. And to offer listeners a rare insight into the mind of a killer. Be warned, the content may be unsettling and is not suitable for all audiences, so, Join us as we delve into the voices of a killer. In this episode of Voices of a Killer, we sit down with Kevin, a convicted murderer from Saint louis, Missouri, who killed his neighbor while he was strung out on h*****. We'll hear about the events leading up to the murder. The intense emotions that were running through Kevin's mind at the time and the aftermath of his actions from his time in prison. Kevin shares his deepest regrets, the lessons he's learned, and the impact his actions have had on his life and the lies of those around him.

This interview is not for the faint of heart, but it offers a rare, unfiltered glimpse into the mind of a killer. So sit back, listen closely, and prepare yourself for an intense and thought provoking conversation with Kevin.

What was your upbringing like? Did you, you feel like you had a normal upbringing or did you have some, some stress through life or what? Okay, so growing up as a kid, I, I, I've been expelled from, I've been expelled from the school district. Uh, I went to St Louis Public, uh, city schools. I got expelled from very young as a kid.

I, I always had trouble juvenile. Um, um, Big groups and things like that. I've been diagnosed with, ADHD, ADD, bipolar, depression. I've been diagnosed, I've medicine. I'VE DONE all the medication I've been in psych wards. It's, it's, it's, you know, I, I had a rough go growing up, but to be honest with you, I didn't have no crazy ass upbringing life.

Like, I, I, you know, my parents made mistakes growing up. Like, like everybody else's, nothing too major. Um, I, I, I grew up around a little bit of money. You know, I wasn't starving for money. I wasn't very poor, Um, I have a sister that she, she's never been in trouble ever in her life, and I'm the total opposite. I was just kinda like the hell demon child, I guess you could say.

I was the black sheep of the family. This is a common story amongst a lot of drug addicts. Kevin's struggle with mental illness began at a young age. In his own words, he was the black sheep of the family, always feeling like he didn't quite fit in his family, tried their best to help him, taking him to doctors and therapists, but nothing seemed to work. Eventually, he was prescribed to a cocktail of medications to manage his adhd, depression, and bipolar disorder, the starting point for a lot of addicts. For Kevin, at first the medication seemed to help, but it began to feel like he was living in a fog. The medication made him feel numb and disconnected from the world around him.

It was around this time that Kevin discovered h*****. At first, it was just a way to escape the monotony of his life, but before he knew it, he was hooked. h***** made him feel alive in a way that the medication never could. It dulled his pain and it made him feel like he was a part of something bigger than himself.

But as with any addiction, the high didn't last forever. Kevin soon found himself spiraling out of control until one fateful day. He made a decision that would change his life in the lives of those around him forever. Take me back to, to the day you were strung out and the day that this robbery went down, basically a home invasion, which was second degree murder.

Is that correct, Kevin? Yes, that's correct. I understand that you were basically strung out on h***** and basically hatched a plan to try to fix that, fix your issue, or you can get another hit and you decided to rob somebody and that robbery went wrong. The intentions wasn't for him to to, to get killed.

Is that correct? That's correct. Absolutely. What year was this? This was 2010. 2010. So you were outta money and you, and you wanted to, to make that, you wanted to turn something over so you could get high again. Yeah. It wasn't even really about getting high at the time. It was just feeling, feeling normal, feeling better.

I was getting sick from, uh, not having, uh, opiates in my system. I was getting really sick. It feels like, it feels like the flu times a hundred. It's really bad. It's like your body's shutting down. So, uh, yeah, kind of a last minute deal. I was just trying to get some fast cash and I decided to try to rob one of my neighbors for their, for their wallet.

And, uh, it just went, it went, uh, went terribly wrong. And you had a, you had some other people with you, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. There was four of us all together. So why? And, uh, two of us. Well, why, so why were there other people with you? Were they also dope sick or, or what? Yeah, I mean, everybody was kind of, everybody was kind of together.

Uh, at the time, it, it was, it was New Year's. Uh, we was all hanging out together for the New Year's, but at the same time, we were all drug addicts. But, uh, yeah, it was kinda, um, kind of just like last call type deal and come with me or not. Uh, this is what I'm going this real quick. So this was like an immediate neighbor down the street next door.

Yeah, literally. Um, let's see, two houses up from mine. So yeah, it was, it was a, it was a neighbor. I've known my whole life. Your whole life. So you, I guess you'd spoken to this guy and, and everything else. Yeah, absolutely. I said you should do yard work for him. Um, he used to help me out with odd jobs to make a little fast money.

Uh, real nice guy. Uh, he had a dog when I was growing up. Uh, I always remembered him for his German Shepherd dog. He used to have. So did you, uh, did you wear a mask? Did or what? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, we wore bandanas, um, we put bandanas over our faces. Um, and you know, that's whenever we did, yeah. Had bandanas around our cover identities.

Did you think he, he knew who you were before when you, when you went in there? No, um, actually he didn't, uh, he had a chance to speak with authorities before he passed. Uh, he, um, yeah, he didn't. Um, I was a five nine black male with short national hair in my discovery, so he didn't know that it was me.

Everything just happened so fast that, uh, yeah, he's, he didn't know it was me. So, so did you, did y'all kick down the door? Did you knock and push through or what happened? So we, uh, yeah, we, we, we went and knocked on the door and, uh, He answered the door and whenever he answered the door, he saw what was going on.

He tried shutting it and uh, we started kind of fighting over the door and we wind up kicking it in. Yeah. Did you guys just push through, uh, after you knocked, is that correct? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, it, uh, kind knocked on it. He came to the door, um, he opened it. Uh, we all kind of paused looking at each other.

It was like slow motion man. Then, uh, he went to go shut the, his eyes got real big. He went to go shut the door and while he was in the middle, shut the door on us. Uh, the shovel went over, shoving the door back and forth, and then eventually it got, it got kicked, kicked open. So, yeah. Was he pretty freaked out?

Did he run, run from you? Did he try to fight you at the door? Yeah. Yeah. He, no, he was trying to fight at the door first, and then, and then he quickly, uh, he quickly, It kind of, the, the impact from the door kinda flung him back where he was in the living room area. Um, he, uh, hit the ground, uh, was yelling not to hurt him, um, which we told him he wasn't gonna hurt him.

I told him that. Uh, and. Yeah, we, uh, we started tying him up. Uh, we tied him, tied his, uh, his ankles together and then locked his fingers and, and put it around his head and tied him that way. So where he could put up much of a fight and just kind laid him over on the floor while we ransacked the house. Um, I found, uh, I found the wallet.

Didn't tell no one about it. Uh, I found $50 in the wallet. Uh, I took that to myself and then, Um, okay. So while we're ransacking the house, um, I started to walk back in. Okay. We was coming up from the basement, then we come through the kitchen, back to the living room where the, where he is tied up. And whenever I'm walking through the kitchen, uh, one of my co-defendants grabbed me and yanked me back and started yelling that the dude had a weapon.

And, uh, I look over and he was kind of looked like pointing something at me, and then a, a shot went off in the house. And a bunch of wooden paint shifts when, uh, sering all through my face. And then, and then, uh, some shots got returned and then it was, it was an immediate shootout in the house, probably about four or five shots out rang out.

And then, um, after that we were stuck in the living room or stuck in the kitchen trying to, trying to figure out if, uh, if this dude was gonna kill us in his house or not. And, um, I peeped around the corner real quick and, and heard a noise and. He was laying there, kinda just, uh, it almost seemed like he was trying to catch his breath, but he couldn't.

And I kind, I kind of went over to him and aided to him for a minute. Um, he was bleeding pretty heavily out of, uh, he got hit in his armpit and somewhere in his lower abdomen, below the waist. I was tending to him at first and then I just decided to get out there and, uh, I ran out there and got out of there while the other people stayed in there.

And, uh, I threw up all over myself and then, um, I pulled out a over red cigarette. I've been lighting the cigarette, uh, hitting the cigarette a couple times and then running back down to my house and then just kind sitting there in the driveway, kind of contemplating what just happened. So are you the one, you were actually the one that pulled the trigger and shot him?

Yeah. Did the other guys have guns? Uh, yeah. There was two weapons and a butcher knife involved. So how long after you got back to the house contemplating things? Did you hear police cars coming? Okay, so I never heard police cars coming. Uh, at this point I had $50. Um, I needed to, uh, hurry up and get my fix, uh, before I got too sick to where I couldn't walk around or anything.

And, um, so, um, I hit another robbery of, uh, Somebody, um, with a vehicle, uh, made that person transport me to the city to get my h*****, and then on the way back from that, The street was blocked off and they had uh, um, they had a crime scene van and they were dusting for prints at his house. And, uh, we passed through all that.

Got back into my driveway. I got dropped off and uh, I remember once again outside smoking a cigarette and my mom coming out and asked me what the hell happened? I said, I don't know. And she's like, well, everything's alright up there. I said, me too. And we just kinda smoking a cigarette. And she went in and, uh, I went in and then, That was it.

I kind of didn't pay attention to it until three days later when the cops showed up at the door. That's

after the break, the aftermath and consequences of Kevin's actions.

So how did that make you feel about shooting somebody that you've known all your life? Okay, at the time, uh, my body was in shock for, I ain't gonna lie, I was in shock from it for, for, for quite a while. Um, I, I realized that I did, but I didn't, it didn't set in yet. Um, after, okay, after some years go by and I'm sentenced, then I'm in prison.

Okay. I've had the whole 12 years I've been locked up. I've only had two dreams about this event. Um, I figured out I had a lot more, I've only had two dreams. Um, and I remember clear day and, uh, it's, it's just, he took me because of this reason why. Um, I feel like that, that, that prison time, I felt like it, I felt like that it wasn't my punishment.

Uh, Toby, I feel like that, uh, I feel like I still gotta be punished for that, uh, later on in life. You, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, um, I wake up thinking about it all the time, especially in prison. I told the parole board the first time Uh, they had a thing saying that I showed no remorse, which I don't know how they judged that, but, uh, if it's cause I wasn't crying to my parole hearing, it's because I can't make myself cry after you've done a decade flat in prison at that point.

It's kind hard to cry, kind, teach yourself that it's like you're not supposed to happen, you're not supposed to cry in there. So these people had a thing with saying, I don't seem like I'm remorseful, but, uh, little do they know. I have to wake up and, and replay why I'm waking up in prison for over a decade of my life.

I think I know why I wake up in there every morning, you know what I mean? Sure. They just, they, they, they don't understand that, and I understand what I did was very wrong. By any means, I deserve to go to prison. But whenever they get to saying that, like, you don't care, you're not remorseful. That s***'s low outta hand.

Cause when somebody does an act like that and, and, and to prison time, every morning you wake up in prison. Hey, even when you, when you don't like being there, when you don't mind being there, just you wake up in prison every day, you're reminded every day you wake up while you're in there. You know what I'm saying?

True. During your course of time in prison, did you ever get any hate mail from his family? Um, no, I did not. Uh, actually I got the opposite. I got a, um, more mail of, uh, positive attitudes, uh, with, um, let's see, from the victim's family directly. No, I never had any mail from my family and other people speaking about it.

Um, they were just, everybody was shocked at first. It was, uh, it was something like when I was going to court, you couldn't tell my mother that her son just did that. Like she thought I was innocent. She didn't know what the hell was going on. She, there's no way that I could have done that in her mind. And that that was one of the hardest parts for me, to be honest with you, man, was uh, I'll never forget the day I had to tell my mom on a visit that I actually committed that crime.

And, uh, she just seemed so disappointed. Sure. You know? But, uh, I didn't get too much hate mail man. Yeah. Was your sister mad at you? Um, my sister, absolutely. She was the first one to answer my phone call when I had locked up for what I got locked up for. Um, she answered the phone and she just kept asking me if I was f***ing serious and she couldn't believe it.

She's like, what the f***? And you know, but yeah, she was definitely really upset and yeah, she's pretty upset that that also made her take her course of her college. She went to Missouri State. And, uh, she started going to college for like, uh, things like a deputy juvenile officer and like, uh, drug counseling, everything she goes to college for.

It's funny, it's like something to do with with me, you know what I mean? Kevin's sister obviously cares deeply for him, and her actions are out of love for him. Although she cannot keep him out of prison, she still wants to protect him. One of the ways of protecting yourself in prison is by joining a gang.

It is a way of seeking safety and security in a hostile environment. The stakes are much higher in prison. Joining a gang means aligning oneself with a powerful and often dangerous group that has its own set of rules and expectations. For any prisoner joining a gang may be a necessary evil. It not only provides a sense of belonging, but it also helps them navigate the complex social hierarchy of prison life.

It also comes with its own set of challenges. As Kevin soon found out, he had to prove himself to the other members. And you had to be willing to do whatever it took to be part of that group. When you first got to prison, had you ever been locked up before? No, absolutely not. Okay. See, I, I've been locked up in group homes and things like that, but not like a prison setting.

Um, when I came to prison, um, prison was, prison was, uh, it was a big deal. Okay. Uh, it seemed like that I would've known what to expect from it. Cause I've watched all prison shows growing up and things like that. But whenever you actually get there, it's a totally different feeling. It's a different story.

It's a different look and everything, and you, and it's just, it's. You went to straight, you went straight to I went to, you went straight to JCCC, right? Level five. Absolutely. Yeah. I went from, uh, yeah, I went straight from St Louis County to bond to Diagnostics to Jeff City Correctional Center. Okay. So whenever you got there, um, you had a lot of stuff to learn, I'm sure.

Um, what, how long did it take for you to patch it up to with a gang? Okay, so when I got j um, I remember, I'll never forget pulling up on that and thinking to myself., like what the hell did You do? Uh, okay. Cause it was just, uh, it just looks intimidating. Alright. Um, level five young first camp. I show up there. Um, and I just, I figured I had to be off the chain, man.

It's just how's how I felt? So when I first got to Jay Tripp, I find myself in the hole really, really fast. Um, fighting. Creating situations that, that, that probably weren't real. Um, it, it got, so, I got so off the chain with, with my, uh, with my just wigging out man. Um, the old, the older people eventually sat me down over time and, and asked me what the hell I was tripping over so bad.

And, you know, basically I put it out like, that's how I gotta be, that's how I gotta be, you know, hear stories about getting r***d and. s*** going on in prison that you just figure it's not gonna be you in that position until you are in that position. It's just crazy, man. But yeah, when I first got prison, man, I hung out on the yard and I kicked it for about two or three years until uh, I was officially a prospect member of family Values.

Okay. Why family values over like say Southwest Honkeys? Okay, so Southwest Honkeys, I'm not from southwest Missouri. Okay. And, uh, they. Uh, they're racist, they're racially motivated. There's, uh, I, I'm a mixed mutt. My, my mom's not all the way white. My dad is white, but, um, it's just, it's, I'm from Saint Louis man so I've never been raised racist so to speak.

I couldn't, that's why I didn't get along with, uh, with skinsheads too much, man, like the SSGs and, and, and the hog pound and all that. Man, I never really, uh, never. I mean, I get along with some of the guys that not like that man family values, uh, to me was, uh, you know, them are, they're more swag out, man. You got your head hat cock to the side, it your pants a little bit.

They, they, they fade their hair. They're, they're more swag. They're just my, my type of, my, my group of people. You know, what. So who is family value's biggest rival? Okay, so whenever I, whenever I got brought into it, or as of now? No, just when you went into it. And now. Okay. So whenever I came to prison, you had like five or six big, uh, organizations on the yard.

You had Peckerwoods, you had OM, you had the family values, the SSGs, you had the Joplin Honkeys Southwest honkeys. Then you had, uh, you know, you had a couple ac Aryan Circle Cats running around. Uh, when I first came to prison, the deepest on Yard Man was the Peckerwoods. There were so many of them. It was just there was just a huge f***ING army and whenever I was prospecting for the fam, they

had falling out with Peckerwoods. It was declared. They're getting ready to declare war on all these guys throughout the whole state. And whenever I'm huddled up, pay attention to what's going on, people breaking it down to me when I'm gonna be doing, what's going on. I'm like, all right, so we're getting ready to go at it with the group, right? And they're like, yeah, the woods.

I'm like, okay, that's these dudes over here, right? Cause there's like f***ing 20 then was like 12 of us. You guys know that, right? Like it was just, uh, wasn't, the odds weren't, uh, really kicking me that good. But anyway, yeah, that's, uh, when I first came to prison man, the biggest war that kicked off was the family values and the peckerwoods man.

And, uh, yeah, the peckerwoods lined up, they couldn't handle the RAF man and they all either cover up their tattoos or. Passed over or went on their, their separate ways. And then as the years went on, it just kicked off of different groups, man. Um, and started off with the Peckerwoods and then we knitpicked at the OMS and slowly got them out the way.

And over the years we fell out with hog pound and then we would team up with Southwest and SSGs every now and then to, to take one or the other out with each other. And, uh, it's just a big old yard game, man. You, you build an alliance with another team. Take out all the rest, and then when it's just you and the other team, you find a way to take them out too.

That's kinda what was going on. So it was like a dog-eat-dog world when I was in there. So you, when you first got in there, you had a, you probably had a first fight, a first run in with somebody. What was that? Fight over? Okay. My first fight, my first run in, okay, let's see. My first fight run-in was over, um, I didn't even know what it was over, uh, it was over.

Okay. There was a, there's a dude named, okay. His nickname's tiny. Um, I, I am supposed to go and find, uh, get this tiny dude out on the yard so I can, um, you know, so, so I can swing on him and, and try to get him in the hole. That's, that's the big game here. So, to go the hole for what reason? I don't know. I'm getting sent at him.

Uh, so I'm outside of a housing unit that's not mine. Uh, right after breakfast time. It's so cold out and I'm, I'm trying to get this dude tiny out the house and. Whenever I send people in there and go get this dude tiny, I see the group of people coming out with the dude and it's a huge f***ing dude. Um, looks like Brock Lester ain't got no neck.

Um, huge dude walking out. I'm like, uh, I'm like, yeah, cause his name's tiny, right? So I'm like, f*** this s***. I turn around, I left. I'm like, didn even happened. So, uh, I went and left and went back in my house and everybody's like, damn, what happened, man? You didn't find him? I'm like, I'll find him. I was like, he's pretty big.

And, uh, you know, they were all laughing at me. They're like, well, when we go to chow lunchtime, man, uh, we'll go with you, but we need you to, you know, you need to jump on tiny or whatever. And then the lunchtime came and we were going to Chow Man. And, uh, I waited until we got in front of the cos on purpose and everything.

I'm not gonna lie, this dude just looked like he wasn't gonna be fun fighting. And, uh, I took off on this dude, tiny man. And, uh, push shoved him down. He lost his balance. He fell, looked real good at first. And then my dumbass was too busy, standing up hooting and hollering, and trying to look cool, and I let him get up. When he got up, it was over with man he kinda got a hold of my collar and

started beating the fuck out of me. Yeah. How long did you get in the hole for that?

Okay, so, uh, not only I got sprayed with a yard for the first time, huge can mace. That s*** sucks and it burned so bad. Okay? They took me through the hole. Um, I sat in the strip cage, uh, I hit the water like a dumbass. I hit the water right away and. Okay. I thought, I thought that it burnt whenever it went down and hit my junk.

Right. Okay, so when Mace hit your balls and your d***, it like really, really burns, but I'm not gonna lie, it ain't got s*** on when it goes down to your backside and if it hit your a**hole. I swear God told that s*** burned so bad, man. That's the worst burn I've ever had in my life. Okay? But anyway. After that, um, I sat in the hole.

I got 20 days to take for that. So I had to do 20 days with nothing. And then after that I was pending bed space for another month because it was real full out on the yard. So I did a total of, uh, about 50 days on that. So was that, was that part of the initiation of getting the family values or did you have an initiation?

Oh, no. See, yeah, that was all of it. It was, uh, that's the thing though, when you're prospecting, man, it's a time period. It's not, uh, It ain't about you do one thing or two things. It's just, you know, you're on deck as long as you're on deck for, so everybody feels like they're comfortable to vote you into the family or not.

You know what I mean? Right. So yeah, that was I, I was process. I prospected for over 13 months. It was pretty rough. Prospecting for a gang in prison refers to the process of trying to become a member of a particular gang. This is one of the many parts of prison slang that makes up Kevin's vocabulary.

These words carry with them a darker significance. They are the lexicon of a world where violence and danger lurks around every corner, and where the line between life and death could be determined by something as seemingly innocuous as a word or phrase. However, there were other terms that carry a lighter meaning.

Babies is one that refers to transgender women or gay men in prison. Trans women in prison face a unique set of challenges and dangers. Often isolated from other inmates. They can be subjected to harassment, violence, and sexual assault. In some cases, they are housed in men's facilities, which can exacerbate these issues.

I wanted to know what Kevin's experience of this community in prison was like. So one of the things I wanted to ask you is, you know in the last 10, maybe more years, there's more people that are. Like, uh, men that have made, uh, transition into women, like trans women, do you ever see like women Oh yeah.

There's, there's now like men with b***s and look just like women in prison now, right? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I had a couple, yeah, they were transgender. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I get along with transgenders, man. Uh, I get along with, with, uh, with gays, transgenders, anything that somebody says that they are, man, that they, that that's what they're identified as.

I don't have a problem with that. See, I grew up in prison my whole life, man, and be honest with you, homosexual activity and things like that, it's, it's not frowned upon like you just, people don't speak outta their business, you know what I'm saying? With what another man has going on with, with whatever, however he is doing his life in there.

Nobody interferes with that. You know what I'm saying? So you just act like it's a, it's a normal everyday thing, man. The baby's on the yard. They're actually pretty cool. They're real loyal, man. They're real fun to hang around. Every now and then they have good conversations. They laugh and giggle a lot. If you wanna get away from all the serious, crazy s*** and you're having a bad day, go kick with the babies for a couple minutes.

They have laughing. You know what I'm saying? Right, right. And and they're usually gotta, they kind of give a sensitive side to all the masculine stuff in there. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. I've also heard that, uh, Missouri Department of Corrections changed some policies to where they can actually get, you know, bras and s*** if they want.

Yeah. They get the order from the female canteen. So yeah, if, if you're listed, if you're on the trans, they have something called a transgender committee now, uh, they meet up with the warden like at least once a month and, and tell 'em how they're doing and they can get cell moves done immediately all the time.

So like, if they're not getting along with their. Whoever they're in the room with, whether it's their, their guy or just their friend, they move them asap where they don't get put in bad positions. Cause you know, you got, dudes try to take advantage of transgender and r*** and stuff and they're still so, they're not comfortable somewhere.

They moved right away and yeah, they, they have to be identified, whatever they wanna be, so, You have certain staff can't pat certain inmates because of certain reasons or how paperwork on, they have to be referred to as ladies and gentlemen sometimes come up and have breasts. They have to wear bras. Uh, especially in the showers.

They gotta wear gray shirts sometimes. Yeah. It's just very real. It's definitely, it's definitely switching over. They're a lot to wear makeup if they're on the transgender committee. If they're not all listed on the committee, they get rolled up for it. But the ones that are, they take hormones and they're allowed makeup and all that s***, so they actually get hormones while they're in prison.

Absolutely. Yeah. If they're taking hormones and get locked up, yeah. They definitely take hormones in prison when you, when you get so far into it, man, they're not really allowed to have cellies though. You'll have, you'll be in the wing with one man and, and they'll have a single cell to theirself and a lot of times they won't give 'em cellies.

We had one at Pacific named Michelle from Kansas City. Michelle, his name is Michael, switched his legal name to Michelle was taking hormones, didn't grow any hair, wore sports bras. He was a real big Indian kind of looking female and, uh, I guess, okay, so white shirts or the, the sergeant's lieutenants wouldn't have 'em, uh, have her have cellies there.

So they would, even when it was time for her to take the shower, uh, they would have to have a white shirt stand at the shower room. So she gets 20 minutes to shower by herself. We can't go in there for 20 minutes. With Kevin's unique insight into the life of transgender women in prison, we offer a window into their world.

It's a difficult and often overlooked aspect of the prison system, and one of that deserves more attention and support. In this next section, I ask Kevin about the experience with violence in prison. Here he refers to two interesting terms. Firstly, a Cadillac string, which is a very long string that's pulled from bedsheets, towels or clothing tied together and used to send messages in contraband to one another under the crack of a cell door.

Some of these inmates get so good they can pass the end of a Cadillac to the cell door at a lower level. On the first trial, with just the memory of where the cell door was, the knife is fashioned outta pieces of metal from their bunk, and they commonly refer to it as a blade. So out of all the different, out of all the different prisons you went to, which ones

uh, the toughest? In Missouri Licking is the most violent level five we have. It's treacherous. Absolutely. It's gladiatoring school. That by any means, that's my hands down man. That's, that's the most. Violent, f***ed up spot you got there, man. It's just like it when you get there. It's weird cause everything's cool.

And then when you get there and you're there for a while and you start, you know, seeing s*** and s*** starts going, and then it's, it's not cool. You know what I mean? It just, it gets really serious, really fast. 10 minutes left. That's the most violent one would be licking. Okay. Absolutely. Are there tough people in the jail you're at in now?

Uh, the jail I'm at. Okay. So, I don't know if you know anything about St Louis, but if you know the east side. The East Side man. Uh, if you get locked up on the east side of St Louis, this is where you go. Uh, you come to St clair County. Um, it's a real ghetto ass f***ed up jail. Actually, when I got here, okay, I came outta prison 220, I came in here weighing 149.

I'm back at 220 now. You know, when I first got here it was just a lot of fighting. You know, I know a handful of people here from doing time. But Illinois sucks. Man's very poor. It's s***ty. And uh, then I've got into a, you know, there's a little trouble here with, uh, another corrections officer. They were saying that, uh, that we was in a relationship, so I got trouble for that for a little bit.

And then, uh, now I'm just kind of getting picked on and rolling around. Yeah. During your time at prison, what's probably like the worst thing you've seen while you were in prison? As, I mean, as far as what That's a, that's a long category. Like what, what do you mean? As far as Well, what, what condition?

Violence. Violence. Oh, I, okay. Uh, you wanna talk about like, the best knife fight I've ever seen? Sure. Yeah. All right. So there's a split in the chapter going on. I'm at licking at this point. I've been in access for over a year. Two house and licking at SCCC. Uh, this was in 2018. Okay. So there's a splitting chapter going on with the brothers on the yard.

Okay? You got, uh, the fams split up into two and they're fighting each other. It's a, it's a bad deal going on over some bulls***. So I have a brother trap who's next door to me. And his cell was cleared open cuz he was expecting one of our other brothers to come over and fight him over disagreements they've had going on within the organization.

Okay, so. Another person comes over instead of the person that's supposed to, but he's also another one of the family. So they go on that cell together next door, and at first they're in there talking and politicking everything seems to be going fine. And then, um, about, probably about 30, 45 minutes into it, it just sounded like a tornado started going off.

And, uh, the two started going at it real bad and nobody was supposed to be armed. And, uh, somebody wound up having to, uh, bring a knife to the fight. And, uh, them two. Was in there in that cell f*** for s***, about a half hour at least. It was the longest one I ever seen. They had to keep taking breaks, man.

It was two. And they was stabbing the f*** out of each other. Man, I'll tell you what, it was some pretty gruesome ass sounds. Man, it, it's okay. There's so much blood going out. Their hands were bouncing all over the walls on the floor, man, so it's not like a f***ing bowling ball in there hitting everything.

They were slipping, sliding, blood trapped. He got stabbed real bad down his spine. Almost paralyzed him. And then Dylan, he got hit real bad in his chest area to where it was like squirting out of his chest. It almost sounded like a can of soda pouring out, man, it was, it was really heavy flow of blood. And there's a safety button in your cell you hit if you get scared or or something emergency going on in the cell, there's a safety button you hit.

And the cos are supposed to come now. They ignore it half the time in the hole. Cause people just hit the button. Just be hitting it. Well, they were arguing over who's gonna hit the button first. It was like a pissing contest man. Um, they stayed stabbing the s*** outta each other, beating each other up. We got the point, none of 'em would hit the button and say they needed help.

So they're both bleeding out in there. Then hand smacks on my wall and they want to shoot my Cadillac string over the bottom of the door, over to their door, and they tie on weapon. And I pulled it back in. I already told me, get rid of it, and it's a f***ing, so now I get the full view on what they just passed around, man, it's, it's a f***ing piece of bunk.

It's like, dude, it was such a thick, long, sharp, f***ed up, jagged looking piece of bunk, man. It was some rugged s***. But, uh, yeah, it was all full of blood. Eventually the, the sergeant them come around and, and they couldn't, you know, they thought they were in their dead to get on the radio and when all the cos come, come up there and they finally opened the door, man, they pulled both of 'em out and they're pouring out blood so bad, man.

It was just, they were pale as a ghost. It was insane, dude. It looked like a, some s*** out of a, a Halloween horror film. There was so much blood and they had to airlift him too off the yard. Uh, I think it was Columbia Hospital cause they were pouring out so bad, but yeah, that's probably the worst one I saw where they survived.

Wow. So what was the, the knife was made out of a metal? Yeah, yeah, it was absolutely, it was a metal. Uh, you could ship it off with, uh, some, some toenail clippers or you get some type of clipper items where you can smirk on 'em for a while, man, if you get them in your cell to you all alone, you can cut out metal pieces of your bunk and, and just metal pieces around the.

Any kind, any kind of steel you're around, man. If you chip at is enough, you can, you can get it outta there. Yeah. So did you ever get stabbed while you were in there? I had one knife the time I was in there I've had one knife fight. Yeah, I didn't really get stabbed too much. I've been poked before, but not like that. No, that's, that's one thing I ain't never really had to worry about, man.

I didn't really play with knives too much except for when I had to. Uh, there's only one time I had to use one man and, um, yeah, it was, it was me and someone in, in a cell at licking. Um, this was a booty bandit I was in the cell with. I'm sure if, if you, uh, know what a booty bandit is. Yeah. Um, okay. So I had, uh, I had a guy, I'm not gonna say his name, I had a guy in the cell with me, man.

Um, he was supposed to leave cause I was trying to get a certain kind of celly and uh, he wouldn't leave man. And he was on some weird s***. And I told man, I don't know what's going on, but you need to leave the cell. I got some s*** going on. I don't know what type of time you're on about, you know, you get outta here.

And the dude was just on some extra weird s***, man. Like, uh, you know, playing with his dick at the door. Some weird s***, man. And, uh, So I jumped down off my bunk and started tripping with him. And uh, it's right at nighttime when he was getting ready to shut the lights off, man. And they shut the lights off on us and me and him was arguing at the door and the wing door had closed.

There's something out in the wing to where he turned around and looked outside the door. When he looked outside the door, I took that opportunity to go ahead and, uh, sucker punch him. Maybe I get the upper advantage cause he is a lot bigger than I was. So I go ahead and, uh, I punched him in the face so I wasn't looking.

And, uh, we started going at it in the cell and I'm hitting with everything I got and, uh, he's not going down. So it was kind of scary. So it was kind of a last resort deal. Uh, I pulled out a blade that I had and I was bluffing with this, what I was trying to do, but bluffing didn't go too good. And, uh, he wind up coming at me and I had, you know what I mean?

We wanted fighting over a little bit, so,

As we delve into Kevin's story, it's impossible to ignore the role that h***** played in his descent into crime. Sadly, this is a common theme in Missouri where drug addiction has led to a surge in crime rates. In fact, according to the Missouri Department of Public Safety, nearly 70% of all Missouri inmates are serving time for drug related offenses.

However, some countries have taken a different approach to drug addiction and crime in Canada and Portugal. Drug use is treated as a health issue rather than a criminal one. This approach has led to a decrease in drug related deaths and a reduction in overall crime rates. I was curious to hear Kevin's thoughts on this approach.

Could decriminalizing drug use have helped him avoid the path that led him to prison? But before I could ask him this question, I was reminded of one of the terminal problems with calls from behind bars. So let me ask you something. Do you feel like if, I mean, I'm, I think I know the answer to this, but there's, there's several countries out there like Canada, Portugal.

Yeah. Legalized drugs to where you can actually go into a clinic, shoot up with h***** and you're fine. You can do that twice. Can have is left. You can do that twice a day. Do you feel like you wouldn't even be where you were if there was a clinic like that where you can go shoot up h*****? Our session is about to end.

Can you call me tomorrow at 10:00 AM Yeah, absolutely. Tomorrow at 10:00 AM. We would have to find out the answer to that question and more on our next call. For now, we lead Kevin in his captivating story to be continued on a future episode of Voices of a Killer.

On the next episode of Voices of a Killer.

Actually found one of my soulmates doing time at the prison. Hey, listen, uh, I got you on three-way right now on. My husband was trying to f*** this bitch while I was going cause I let her move into my house, you know Bitch got her, she's another co. Yeah. Yeah. I got to watch the video and he like creeping along the wall and like army crawl under the f***ing bed to a blind spot, which was a staff bath of the, nobody f***ing used. So what'd y'all do in there? Y'all just talk about like football or something?

That's a wrap on this episode of Voices of a Killer. I want to thank our guest, Kevin, for sharing his story with us today. I know it couldn't have been easy for him to relive those painful memories, but his willingness to be open and honest is what makes this podcast so special. A big shout out to Sonic Futures who handled the production audio editing, music licensing, and promotion of this podcast.

If you want to hear more episodes like this one, make sure to visit our website at voicesofakiller.com. There you can find previous episodes, transcripts, and additional information about the podcast. Lastly, if you enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving us a review on Spotify, apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Your feedback helps us improve and reach new listeners. Thank you for your support and we can't wait to share more stories with you in the future. Thank you for tuning in. I'm your host, Toby, and we'll see you next time on Voices of a Killer.